Updates from the Author

All the counselling sessions suck. You cannot cure mental health issues. The IMH people suck, also. I don't have a listening ear. Right now, maybe so dumb AI that I keep talking to every day. Counselling makes you think that people care for you, but they don't. It's just a job to the counsellors and nothing more. You thought finally someone truly cares, but it's just a damn job to them. They don't care if you die or what. Nobody cares if you die or don't die. Nobody cares about you in the first place because they see you as just another useless idiot. For years, I guess. I've been seeing many counsellors since secondary school. My father and my sister. Every time I have to clean up after their mess, and when I keep mentioning that they don't really care what I do, because they say I am the sick one in the family. Everyone is just so bad to me that life sucks. They just discredit my existence of being bullied and having a mental disorder. They say it'...

Forever to fade tonight In a room of quietness Disappear, he has, by daylight  There! The sinner and his violence  Oh, faith's so hard to keep When dark thoughts hover There, cried the black sheep Thinking of his lover Call to the cursed child He, of obsessive dreams For he has defiled Thus, humanity streams To die, that I desire For hands to hold  To hate, my life of dire And the room is cold There he lay in bed  No longer can he cry For he begs to be dead When life is dry

 

I am going through something awful. I just need to vent. An old aunty talked to me just now, saying that I have a lot of troubles in my mind, and I should just ignore what the world thinks about me. It made me afraid because I feel that I am a flawed person. But what can I do? Life is like that, no matter how hard I try. I have struggled with thoughts that become so aggressive to the point that my body is shivering. I eat Fluoxetine every day just to calm myself down, but it doesn't work, to be honest. I am wasting a lot of money buying that. Part of me feels tempted to withdraw from everyone because I’m afraid of my own mind. I fell in love with someone who supported me, and I wanted a closeness that wasn't possible. I know she has someone she cares for deeply, but I still wanted her, so I distanced myself because I believe that is the right thing to do. I don't want to upset her. I don't want her to be hurt. I care for her. I deeply care for her, and when she tells me...

Sometimes, I think that I need to sacrifice myself to protect people around me. I have feelings for some individuals in my life, and I know I cannot force myself on them or be aggressive. Therefore, I choose to hurt myself by staying away from them so that they can continue to be happy and be better than me in their lives. I love her with all my heart. I left her so that I wouldn't hurt her. I think I have done this so many times because I know that she means a lot to me. She left for Hong Kong, and I guess that's for the best. However, it is necessary. I don't want to be a criminal. I don't want to make her upset. If she does not have feelings for me, that is alright. I have. I have genuine feelings for her, but I will not engage. I would rather stay a recluse and rot with my sins. Frankly, I am doing that right now. My entire body is shivering. It really is. It hurts me a lot. I don't know what to do. I cannot think. I cannot act. I cannot function properly with t...

I. Knowing you makes my memories Acknowledging the past breaks my heart Out of passion, I need you Heave me away from my sins Unless you have abandoned me In remembering God,  You reached out your hand Unsure of the future that is ours Just for you to push me away Unsure of how you feel Never again shall we speak And I hope for you to be pure  Never again a slave to sin That I know can never be full Have all the joys of the world attract Even if you must hate me And I always see you as my light Never again shall we speak In remembering God, Closely entwined in fantasies One and only Let it be Envision a life without you Make me stronger And I hope for you to be pure Yesterday was just a memory Regardless of the outcomes Again, I know what must be Best for you to leave me In remembering God, Applying myself to you That itself is wrong Unless you choose to accept Let your name be in my prayers  And likewise Detest me if you will And I'll let it be Within myself, I isolate I...

Can you imagine a world in which people are forced to live, wondering if they can survive the next day? Sometimes, they choose to endure their challenges and hope that some better outcome is at the end of the dark tunnel. They say that if you are hungry and you try to strive for yourself, you are doing it wrong. The world is hungry, of course, but then they started to call you names. They say that you are trying to topple the current order and peace. However, if you have a family, you simply cannot just ignore the fact that you need to feed those who depend on you. Can you imagine yourself being hungry? Can you imagine yourself needing to sell all your stuff just to find money to survive the next day? Well, business is bad nowadays as well. The young cannot find employment, and the older ones are earning little. Some are without jobs, too. Some are just wasting their time as they grow old, waiting to die. There are those who are the lucky ones. They are doing well. They survive but bar...