A coffee cup

Bossa nova in the background, playing softly but it was playing loudly earlier. I sat down here once again like I did last month and I am looking at the cup of coffee that is not mine. I don't care. I don't want a cup of coffee and I, in fact, skipped breakfast this morning just like yesterday because I am not hungry for some reason. I don't know why I come to this writing space that's provided by the library because I feel that I am not actually writing at all but rather just writing down on my blog because I am not in any mood to write to begin with. I just attended today to see how I can proceed with the facilitation of the event because I signed up to be part of this event. Well, that was last year but I will not be surprised that last year will be repeated again this year. I won't be surprised at all. I have a book with me and I am going to read it soon because I am very bored. I guess I am bored with this concept. I just agreed to help but maybe it can help calm down my anger after a lot of people betrayed me in a single day when I was on my way to visit my grandmother. Damn. In just one day and I thought my own art exhibition would be cancelled or something. Everyone else is writing. Everyone. I don't have a lot to write. I am not a writer today or maybe I am but my stomach is grumbling. Next week I have a medical appointment on Tuesday and on Thursday, I have an interview with a tuition centre for a freelance job and I am wondering if I can get that job. I guess I will have to try my very best. I must try. It's two days only. The weekends and they pay six hundred for the job a week. My plan is to take this job and another job so I can raise my finances and earn at least four thousand a month. My dad says it's going to kill me but I guess I just need a way to survive and move forward because I am not progressing whatsoever with my life. I mean... I am doing that film screening but that's all on me. I am doing most of the work I guess. Once they heard that the big NPOs are not coming, everyone just withdrawn from my event. I gave them a free space. A free booth and seat but they just discarded that offer despite my event being held in the city. I guess they have no confidence in my event. I have to start somewhere. I have to do things for myself now and I am trying everything I can. I am doing a lot but, often things don't go my way at all. Nearly all the time. I'm still unemployed. I'm still the stupid kid. I'm still a loser that nobody believes in and I am hungry right now. He moped the house. I told him he had to do it because the house is dirty right after I cleaned recently. I was just upset. Very upset. I don't like the germs. Why can't anyone understand that. Why?

I am going to leave for a while. There's not many people here for some reason. Only five including me. How weird, right? I hear whispers behind me. I hear footsteps. The rustling of a bag. Someone came in. Oh boy. That's a good thing. That makes it six people now. I'll need to leave soon. I have to. Cleaning the house is important and if someone from outside steps into the house with dirty feet, it ruins the cleanliness. It ruins the job that I did. Why can't people understand that? I need a clean house so I can walk with ease. Outside is dirty. We wear our shoes outside and if we go outside, we touch our feet with our shoes and we be dirty too, right? I know I have OCD but it's just... I am too tired of people disrespecting me and making a mockery out of me or something. I feel sick often because people don't care about me. Maybe I should just disappear or something. Maybe. I suck a lot. My father said that he will meet me later. I went to see some art just now but, I was not impressed at all. It took me five minutes and I left. Usually, it would be longer but yeah... That's how it is. I was expecting the works to be bigger. I guess I was wrong. I really don't know what to write now. I mean just now... No... Never mind. It's stupid to say things. I can hear them type away. My words are being obscured for some reason and now... It's back to normal. We are going to have a discussion in like half an hour or something and I am really not doing much so I should look at doing my school work although that is actually not allowed.

Maybe, I should give the job to Ryan or something since he doesn't mind such a job at all and now... It seems that more people are coming in. What should I talk about later? I don't really know. I am not much of a talker to be honest. I am being completely honest here. Why is it that everyone has a purpose and do well but not me? I find that extremely baffling. I am allowed to proceed with the film screening by myself. I am allowed to move forward but how am I going to get one hundred viewers? I will have to try my very best. I should get the thing up already so people can book the tickets or something. I'll be alone in this. Well, maybe not alone. I hired two to help me. My dad and Ryan. The are getting paid after all. Someone came in and asked if he could charge his phone but I guess he could do it elsewhere, right? I mean this is not the place for that. It's a place for writing. I talked to someone. She's working on her Master's as well. Just like me. I guess that's how things are. I actually don't have a lot to talk about. Everyone is back to writing. Someone praised my pigeon story. They don't know that a lot of magazines rejected that story. I guess it's no good at all. I can hear footsteps... The rustling of her cotton jacket... I am tired and hungry now. Yet, I don't want to eat. Is it right for me to be here? My fingers are freezing. I am freezing despite the jacket. I guess I suck a lot. I wanted to invite people to come to the film screening but I don't know how. It's 3.30 in the afternoon. Tomorrow, I should do some exercise or something. I should go cycling tomorrow. Some people left. I think they are taking a break or something. Someone left permanently. The English guy that wrote inspirational books that seems to be bestsellers. I don't know about that. I talked to someone. She wants to publish her short stories. I told her I'll help to the best of my abilities. Honestly, I am not into her genre but I am just lending a helping hand as long as I am not converted. Haha.

I am alright with helping others. I mean it's free for them after all and it's good for them. I want them to succeed but how come I find myself struggling to be successful as well? I don't care. I am not a writer. I am not an artist. I am just a loser. I am a failure trying to disguise myself as an artist and a writer while struggling to find a real job. I should just be a damn cleaner or something, right? Room is too quiet and in another fifteen minutes, we will erupt into discussion again. I think she thinks that I am not doing much writing. I don't bring my laptop outside, pal. I write them down here because I am not committing myself to another story that's not going to see the light of day because some magazine ain't interested in what I write. We are always looking back when it comes to someone coming in. Haha. I am okay with that. I think she's pretty but I think she's married so I am just going to keep my mouth shut. Should I get a cup of coffee later? I mean that's what the title of this damn post is all about and I realised that her coffee is already half. Half! Have fun. I am hoping this can get better. My fingers are freezing again. Freezing. Will I or should I attend next month's meeting? I don't know if I will get the job that they are offering me on Thursday...