In the afternoon

It always feels like that in the morning... The feeling of anguish and sadness, knowing that yesterday you didn't do much. You wake up and you just allow yourself to feel that way because those feelings come immediately as you wake up and that ruins the day for you. On top of remembering what happened yesterday, you feel that you don't belong in this world. You feel sick and you just want to disappear. You feel that nobody respects your time, your efforts, and you will to exist which means your existence becomes meaningless. I am seated in this room now. The air con blowing on full blast but the room is big, filled with people I don't know, filled with people that are strangers to me and their different faces on what they are working on suggests to me that they have something to work on and I am just sitting here because I don't know what to write and I just tell myself that I want to talk about something important but I don't know what I should write while I look at others and I feel that they are better than me. Why is it that my existence is always filled with anguish. Anguish. Damn anguish. It's stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Sometimes, I wish that I could do something great. I don't know if the world cares and they don't care and I don't know why they don't care and I'm just this invisible moron here, with the world saying that my existence is nothing. I am sick of life. I keep saying such stupid things over and over again but it is true because I can accomplish anything at all when the world keeps stepping on me. Why is it me that always have to suffer. Funny how I am always talking negatively. I did not expect the writing session to be like this. I was expecting a compact room. I was expecting something else entirely. I heard they are going to give pizza for free at the end of the day. Is that my dinner? I guess so. I will have to write a feedback to them saying the pizza is good and I mean pizza is always good. 

I want to win. I really do. I want to be the best of the best. I want to do my best. Right now, I just feel safe and calm. I like the calm environment. I am away from such cruel people in my life. I am away from them. I am happy that way. I guess it is best for me to just be alone. I don't know what I want to achieve but I hope to listen to the works of others and perhaps they can inspire me or something. What I wrote. I am not the only one without a laptop. That's great. I might have to leave for a while. At around 12.45. I'll secretly leave. I keep writing a lot of negativity but my life is full of that. Full of shit. It's embarrassing because nobody respects me for who I am. I wish I was not a nobody. I really wish. Everyone is quiet. No talking. No nothing. They are writing what they want to write. I guess they are doing good work. They have ideas and they look like smart people. I believe one of them is a doctor or something. Better than me. Everyone is better than me for I am just the scum of the earth. I am nothing and everyone knows that because they have never respected me. They have never appreciated me. Shit. People. Around. Me. Not here. I don't judge them here. No. Not here. In my life. Around my life. My existence. I mean. Don't be offended. Not them. I barely know them. I just smile at them. Smiling is charity they say. Why am I sick? People keep calling me that. I will have to read the short story later on. Crap. I did save it at Submittable. I will have to retrieve it somehow. 

What else can I do to be honest? People just come and go. Come and go. People are doing their own things. I am writing this... Typing this while reading a Batman comic. I am pretty sure my enemies are reading this as well. Those that have a grudge against me for some reason and those that have slandered me on the internet. It hurts when people slander about me. It ruins my reputation and to have your personal information leaked and to be stalked by people... That is terrifying as well. I am going to leave my desk soon. I don't know if the timing will be alright but I guess I'll know when I reach there. I don't think people... Most of them are willing to share their works or what they wrote. My head hurts right now but I don't care about that. I am finishing this at five later on the afternoon. It's a few hours from now but there will be some introductions and some open mic sharing and I am part of that sharing. I was expecting a bigger crowd but if it's a bigger crowd, I will be shy. I mean I will naturally be shy in front of others. I am at the back table. Not too back. Like on the second last row. She has returned. She came from somewhere. She told us that she needed someone to take over this activity for next year and I was thinking of doing that for myself so that I have a quiet space to write my stories. I mean writing at home is fine for me as well but with my family members being who they are, I guess I am writing negatively throughout my novels and I noticed that as well.

Will this be posted on the 28th? I mean I wrote the previous post on the 27th. Time is moving fast for me right now. It's going to rain heavily outside but I heard that there's a praying room at basement two so I might just head there later at 1pm and when I go home I'll pray at the Mosque before having my dinner or something. He messaged me, asking me when my session at the library will end. I don't bother answering. I am sick of his ego. Sometimes, he has this stupid ego that he likes to show off. Makes me feel weak. Makes me feel sick.

We are ending now.