In the morning

I just feel like I don't want to exist anymore. I just want to sleep. Maybe forever. I could not sleep last night. I was trying my best to sleep, but it was tough. I keep thinking to myself about how unfair it is for me to be in such a position, and I just want to break down violently, smashing everything around me so that I can vent out that anger. I don't care if the police came or what. I don't care if the world comes to hate me for that because the world has no right to hate me for what they have done to me. It is not fair that I have to live with such stupid experiences... traumatic experiences that are often pushed aside, and people keep saying that what I face is just small, but they don't understand. They are ignorant. They only know about themselves, and they don't wish to learn about others, or those that they do learn are those that can benefit them. But I don't want to be a benefit to them because I want to be myself. I don't understand why I must change for them and not the other way, because it seems unfair for me to change for them when they have stepped on me so many times. It's stupid. It's unfair. It's one-sided.  I often find myself in this situation in which people hate me because I don't submit to them. Why must I submit to them in the first place? 

Am I their slave? Am I just some inferior being? And if I don't do that, they will do whatever it takes within their power to destroy me. I hate them, and I wish they would just disappear from my life, but that's not possible because they keep coming into my life and they keep stepping on me nearly every day. They only know how to destroy things. They only know how to destroy the beautiful things around them, like if you give a flower to an ape. Why must I change for them? They often clashed with me, and the narrative to them actually is that I am the one who often clashes with them. Let's be frank here. If you do something wrong, it must be corrected. A mistake is a mistake. An act of abuse on a child while you are the student care director is still an act of abuse, and to scold you is the damn right thing to do. Let's not bullshit ourselves. To blatantly lie about someone being a school shooter or mass murderer is wrong, even when you are a director of some huge non-profit organisation and have written articles for CNA. It is wrong, and you don't have the fucking right to ruin my university life because of that. You don't have the right to do so. To say that my books are anti-feminist or racist is wrong when you have not read my books. That is wrong. You don't have the right to spread your agenda with the use of my books. That makes you a fucking animal.

I am tired of living, to be honest. I am tired of being called unemployed and without friends. If you look at my damn history, how can I be friends with anyone who chooses to harm me? Yes, the world is wrong. WRONG. Like it or not, that is the ultimate truth. They take advantage of me, and then they discard me. They do whatever they like without consequences because they are people with power, but look at me. I am now broken. I have lost everything. People say I blame the world and call me mad. A narcassist or something. I am sick of not having to speak for myself. Everything I say makes no damn difference, and everyone is just out there trying to mock me or trying to say that I am a huge asshole because I don't agree with them or support their stupid agenda or pointing out their errors, in which they could learn but choose not to because of their damn big egos.

I try to put up a face. I try to pretend that I am happy, but I am not. I am tired, and I am sick. I am sick of the animals around me that constantly hunt me down because they hate me.

I would rather die, to be honest. I don't want to exist. My life is too painful. From the way my father does not understand my mental anguish to the way my mother tries to put me in a bad light as the bad son, despite leaving our family twice to marry other guys. I am in the wrong with the world. I am the bad person, and if I am the bad person, I might as well not exist.

I cannot get over the pain of the past, for the past lingers in the present still.

I suck.