Time wasted

-

 At the end of the year now, I feel that I did not accomplish much, and even for the last two years of my life, because I've tried to do a lot like finding a job or promoting my art but it all seems to not have materialised well for me since the progress led to nothing and the achievement that I wish for has not been gained. I have tried a lot of things. I have tried. I feel tired, and right now, at the end of the year, I'm feeling sick as well because I have this infection and flu that occurred throughout the week. Maybe I am just unlucky, and maybe I am not doing it the right way, although the ways that I have chosen are the tried and tested ways of doing things. Ultimately, I feel like a loser. I feel like someone who has not been successful, and I guess I should look forward to next year with the same outcome, because if I do try to push myself up into progress, there will either be someone or some external circumstances that will prevent me from achieving what I want to achieve. I am planning to screen my film in April. An experimental film at SCAPE. I am working with the organisation, and I am doing my best at it. I feel like this is my only chance to achieve something big next year, since this year was not successful at all. From the proposed monolith project that was supposed to be at Bedok Reservoir to my longest novel, which nobody bought at all, which is a sham,e and also that book was meant to win an awar,d but the organisers didn't even want to read the damn book which I feel is biased to the max since I've worked hard on that book.

All the things I did not seem to work in my favour. It sucks being me, to be honest.

I don't have any friends, and I don't have companionship. I realised that when I visited my old Polytechnic just a few weeks ago and I saw that most younger people are content with their friends. I wish I had friends or people who could understand me, but instead, most people just look down on me since I am emotionally sensitive and stay true to my morals despite not pushing my values on them and often, it is the other way around. I don't know if I can ever find happiness in the way things are. I want to do better. I want to be able to talk to someone deeply and share my thoughts on things, but I ended up being afraid of the world because the world stepped on me. I don't like being stepped on by the world, but some people say that I am the one who steps on them. I don't see it that way. I mean, if I face some form of aggression, I have the right to defend myself from those aggressive words, and if the world cannot accept that, I cannot do anything about it. I am speaking from my perspective, in which I have faced unjust bullying before.

I thought I could be happy, but I assumed that happiness is real and, in the end, others have found their happiness.

What am I working on right now:

- Oculus Dei (The experimental film for SCAPE)

- Elephants in the room (An experimental novel to be released in 2028. A combined collection of works from university and my own plays)

- A sculpture using paper boats (This was originally the monolith idea for Bedok Reservoir. Still thinking how to do this)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I'm still looking for a publisher for my next novel

-
Image
The thing is most of the publishers find that my upcoming book is unpublishable. For a year now, I have contacted more than forty publishers and literary agents with only a few responding. Just this month, I signed a contract with a traditional publisher, but the publisher backed away because of the word count I presented to them. I was hoping that I could work with them since we already worked until the cover page process. Here are the book covers that I managed to create (Subject to changes). I think I might have to do self-publishing again but the issue here is that I don't have the capital to promote my books and currently, I am jobless. I cannot find a job to earn for myself so it has been difficult.
Read more

A poem and short writing about life

-
1) Poem about bullying They say that I was ugly,  She killed herself because they bullied her,  Through the failures and ah, a win! I smiled smugly,  Four schools, I transfer,  Water poured on my head,  I become obsessed and obsessed,  They say that all my life is but a lie, Oh, I know they wish me dead,  I told her I'd help her keep her vest,  And now, I can only cry. 2) Additional work I am not proud of anything anymore. I am not proud of myself. They have turned me into this damning figure. They have destroyed everything that I loved. They have taken away everything that I cared about. I wondered why I must suffer in such a miserable state. I was never bad to them at all. I was quiet and now, they surround my bed just like every other night for the past few years and they are laughing. They laughed and laughed. They point their fingers at me and I become extremely sick. Here on my deathbed, I am alone. I have no friends. I have no love. Why is ...
Read more

Delays

-
There's going to be some delays with the publishing of the novel or novels, 'An Attempt To Understand The Years Of Plague'. I will get back to you all once the novels are out and live. In the meantime, you can preview the first book here https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=r_VFEQAAQBAJ I have to accept the unacceptable as I go through this uneasy phase of my life. Things are not going the way I want them to be. I have disgraced myself, but that is due to the actions of society that chooses to humiliate and bully me since I was young, leading me to become the trash of society. I have been unemployed for three years, and now, I am forced to accept a job that is not to my liking... not to my passion, and I have to accept it because of necessity. I want to cry. I feel the pain. I just cannot cry. I cycled aimlessly just now around the reservoir, asking myself what the meaning of life is when others... There are others out there who are in better positions than I am, ...
Read more