I don't mind

Sometimes, I think that I need to sacrifice myself to protect people around me. I have feelings for some individuals in my life, and I know I cannot force myself on them or be aggressive. Therefore, I choose to hurt myself by staying away from them so that they can continue to be happy and be better than me in their lives. I love her with all my heart. I left her so that I wouldn't hurt her. I think I have done this so many times because I know that she means a lot to me. She left for Hong Kong, and I guess that's for the best. However, it is necessary. I don't want to be a criminal. I don't want to make her upset. If she does not have feelings for me, that is alright. I have. I have genuine feelings for her, but I will not engage. I would rather stay a recluse and rot with my sins. Frankly, I am doing that right now.

My entire body is shivering. It really is. It hurts me a lot. I don't know what to do. I cannot think. I cannot act. I cannot function properly with the frustrations in my mind. I am frustrated. I am angry with myself. I have been angry for so long. I have been angry with the way things are, and frankly, I am just upset that I am leaving everything, losing everything and being alone again. 

If this is the right course of action for me, I will accept it. I feel sad that I have to abandon people, but I feel it is necessary. I grew attached to them. I feel the need for them to be in my life, to support me and to love me, and sometimes, I wish I could force them to do so, but I know that that is not possible because you cannot force the heart to love someone. Frankly, if I am to be like this, so be it. I have frustrations with my life that I wanted to enforce on someone, and I realised that that would hurt her, so I distanced myself. I block her from all my contacts, and I hide myself away from her.