I'm a terrible person

I am going through something awful. I just need to vent.

An old aunty talked to me just now, saying that I have a lot of troubles in my mind, and I should just ignore what the world thinks about me. It made me afraid because I feel that I am a flawed person. But what can I do? Life is like that, no matter how hard I try. I have struggled with thoughts that become so aggressive to the point that my body is shivering. I eat Fluoxetine every day just to calm myself down, but it doesn't work, to be honest. I am wasting a lot of money buying that. Part of me feels tempted to withdraw from everyone because I’m afraid of my own mind.

I fell in love with someone who supported me, and I wanted a closeness that wasn't possible. I know she has someone she cares for deeply, but I still wanted her, so I distanced myself because I believe that is the right thing to do. I don't want to upset her. I don't want her to be hurt. I care for her. I deeply care for her, and when she tells me about herself, I see myself in her. I just find it baffling that I cannot find love and be in a happy relationship. I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts, guilt, and emotional attachment in ways that frightened me, so I shut myself away. I developed feelings for someone who supported me emotionally, and I realised I needed distance because the situation became emotionally complicated.

I am sorry. I wish for you because you cared for me so much. You are one of the few who attended my film screening, and I was so happy that you were there, but I cannot just change our relationship like that. It's wrong. I know it's wrong, and so I choose to protect you. That poem is for you. The one I wrote is for you because I wish for you to be a better person devoted to God. I want you to be devoted to God. I don't want you to have any regrets. I have always been that way. I distanced myself from you because I just knew it was the right choice.

I feel like I've failed. I suck so much. The world should not care about me, to be honest. I wish things were different. I wish I were a lucky person... a happy person.